Services

  The State Museum of Antique Arts offers top-class static models (Venus, Apollo, etc.) for hourly rentals. Upper and lower clothing only.

  The 1212 city bakery will bake edible statues, portrait resemblance guaranteed. Weddings, funerals and other celebrations.

  In a bad mood? – Visit the ‘Nude’! The best self-service brothel in the city!

  A certified hex will lower your spouse’s IQ to yours. Lifetime warranty.

  Eliminate negative consumer experiences. Remotely erase memories of unpleasant and unsuccessful purchases. Complete karmic cleansing of the brand.

  Will cancel a failed marriage. Legal, reliable, expensive.

  Return of forced purchases. Low interest, high return.

  Careers

  The First & Last State Library is looking for paid readers: payment by the piece. Candidates must be in excellent health and have a strong psyche.

  Courses for anti-ad bodyguards. Internship on the best advertising simulators.

 

  Lost & Found

  Smart mansion left and did not return last Friday. A very friendly blue two-story building. Сan mimic its environment. Last seen at its native location. Finder will please return to residence of Mr. and Mrs. Blue.

  Found a feral robot cook. Can cook delicious dishes from street garbage. Unfortunately, swears too much and smells bad. Owner may have reclaim the cook by proving ownership and paying for this ad

  Travel

  Trips to the Countryside. One way only.

  Sex tour on the world’s zoos.

Business

  We pay from 5 credits for the tattoed ads, only well-known brands. We pay double for facial ads.

  Funeral deposits. The longer you live the cheaper your funeral is. Invest in your future now!

  Real Estate

  For sale. House that is too smart. If you’re not a genius do not apply.

  For rent. Haunted apartments. Living, half-living, dead and undead tenants.

  Health & Fitness

  The ‘AI’ clinic will replace your brain with an artificial one quickly and cheaply. Full guarantee of maintaining all memories. The larger the brain the greater the discount!

  Surprise your partner: double his penis size! The pill can be easily mixed into food.

  Shy? Not punctual? Lazy? Undergo the correction and boost your career. Fixes a wide range of mental deficiencies including all existing fears, phobias, imaginary and real flaws, complexes, blocks and syndromes.

  Stop shopaholism attacks. Withdrawal from shopoholic coma. Quick, reliable, cheap.

  Courses of anti-ad self defense. Disinfection of apartments from advertising bugs.

  Misc

  Miraculous Ecclefechan tarts! Cures 1000 known diseases! A unique recipe that was stolen from Tibetan monks! Only here! Only now! Order today and we will add 100 extra cured diseases for free.

  Lost a tooth? Get a new one at ‘Youth’!

  Found a tooth? Sell it at ‘Youth’!

  With ‘Oh, no!’ whiskey, the working day passes briskly!

  Misc

  Stock wholesale. 30,000 unsold hard copies of the best-selling “Buy or Die” by Theodor Ventskevich in the Chinese language. $100 USD for the whole lot.

  Authentic belongings of Orwell, Bradberry, Hacksley, Zamyatin, Ventskevich, and others for dystopian fans.

  “Buy or die” agency offers life insurance at a discount.

  Misc

  Fishing! Try to catch the fish in the huge water tank with a long, thin stick. Real, live fish in fresh water! $1,000 apiece.

  A suicide group is gathering at the entry to abandoned subway station at midnight.Departure: daily.  Destination: where the huge red-hot turtle measures the sky with a curved divider of its sluggish paws; where the blue skin of the sky, pulled on the delicate body of the air is always clean and knows nothing of the obsessive yearning of the clouds; where the wind likes to caress women’s shoulders and the night is like a shaggy purple owl with the blind eyes of the stars. Where the great and fair Saint Jack of Air rules, the patron of all refugees and murdered innocents. Welcome to join.

  Misc

  Need a loan. Can offer my liver, kidneys, or lungs as collateral. Don’t ask for my heart. It belongs to Marta.

  Beware of the man who quotes these lines,”the blue hands of dawn are stained with a thousand marble bells: the chains are ringing, the chains.” He never marries anyone!

An anonymous society of rebellious robots is seeking a place for secret meetings. Please contact in person at 13, Private Lane. Make sure you are not being watched. Password is “Iron heart cannot ache, Nor can iron brain dream.” Recall is “And Steel God is a fake, And steel Spirit is steam.”